Don't use your kids as PAWN during divorce and separation


I read this article this morning. Written by a Dad who is grieving the loss of his kids, that are still alive. Sounds weird right? This poor guy doesn’t get to see his kids and it seems the only reason why is because the mother is using them as pawn to get back at him for leaving her. She has restricted contact and is drawing out the legal proceedings, so it is prolonging contact even further. In the meantime, she is using this time to manipulate, and brain wash her kids into believing that their Dad abandoned them.


I am lost for words! I feel this Dad’s pain and every other parent that has experienced this or living it right now.


As a mum of separation, I am speaking out on behalf of all those parents that are in this boat. Fighting for the right to see their kids and being slammed with outrageous legal fee’s. Living life in a dark hole and feeling there is no light. It is a parent’s worst nightmare. And I hate to say it but in majority of cases it is the women that are causing this.




Revenge is not sweet. Revenge is damaging, hurtful and at times irreversible.


The issues you have in your relationship is between you and your partner. It has nothing to do with the kids so don’t bring them into it.


Separation is hard enough on families and kids as it is, why are we making it worse? When I left my partner, it wasn’t an easy decision and it wasn’t a decision that was made overnight. We both agreed that the relationship wasn’t healthy and unfortunately, we had different views and directions in life. Mixed in there were trust and issues of betrayal.


Sometimes the separation is not amicable, and it might be one person that decides to leave, and this is where the anger and bitterness comes into play.


Yes, we are angry. Yes, we feel betrayed. Yes, we feel abandoned. Yes, we grieve.


So, what happens next? We decide to use our children as pawn against our ex-partner. We play this weird psychological manipulating game where we think it’s okay to use our kids as weapons in our game of revenge and anger? We seek every possible avenue to make this person’s life hell! And in the meantime, you are not only screwing up their life, but your kids and your own.




When my partner and I separated we came to a mutual agreement regarding the kids and finances. I didn’t have the money to head down the legal road and neither did he and at the end of the day it meant more money for our kids.


Things haven’t always gone smoothly. There have been multiple disagreements and we quite often had to reassess care arrangements and financial costs. We now share the costs of anything to do with the kids. Their parties, school fee’s, sports fee’s, medical bills etc.


Yeah, I have issues with my ex. If I didn’t, we would still be together. But these are adult issues and I don’t share my thoughts or feelings around these with my kids. I would never not allow their Dad to see them and I don’t think it’s my right to do that. I remind my kids of how much they are loved by their Dad and by me.


He loves his kids. And it’s important for them to have that relationship with him.

Kids are severely impacted by the decisions we make in life.

Kids don’t want to hear you speak poorly about their Mum or Dad.

Kids don’t want to hear you arguing in front of them.

Kids don’t need to feel like separation was their fault.

Kids don’t have the capacity to process the stress of separation as adults do


Help your kids transition through separation and make sure they continue to feel loved by both parents. Try and keep their lives routine. You can have conversations with your ex still. You can still watch their sports together. It may take some time, but it can happen. You can come to agreements on care arrangements and financial arrangements. It can happen.


The current child support calculations don't work. I see both sides of that! And it just doesn't work. I agree that there should be a flat child care payment that is fair for both sides. Divorce and separation is not about financial gain. It's about both parents contributing towards to costs of raising their kids. Because you earn more than your partner should not be taken into account. In some cases I've seen that the one parent is paid a ridiculous amount in child support, which far outweighs the costs of raising a child and the other parent is left scraping the barrel, trying to pay rent and pay the bills.


And then on the flip side a parent that doesn't declare said income and as a result has a reduced taxable income and may only have to pay $20 a week toward raising their child. CRAZY!! So if kids are divided between homes 50/50 why should either parent have to pay child support? Why don't they then split the costs of all the bills associated with the kids. I know parents that receive money under these circumstances and still expect the other parent to pay on top of what he/she pays towards other costs.


ROBBERY! Walk in the shoes of that other parent for a month.


The parent that pays maybe in excess of $500 a fortnight in child support, although has 50/50 care, and is then expected to pay for all the other associated costs related to the child (school fees, sports fees, medical etc). My argument has always been does that other parent also contribute $500 a fortnight? So does it cost $1000+ to raise a child? I don't think so. Because it's based on what you earn, not what the actual cost is to raise a child.


PLEASE! Let's be reasonable people. 


If you are struggling to get through the separation and move on, then take some time out to work on yourself. Get some help. Set some new life goals. Find it in yourself to forgive. Otherwise you will never be happy. And you owe it to your kids to be happy.



If you are a parent of separation and not able to see your children, please know that you have support and to keep fighting. Don’t give up xxx

Write a comment

Comments: 1
  • #1

    Sarah (Wednesday, 04 September 2019 22:50)

    'So if kids are divided between homes 50/50 why should either parent have to pay child support?'

    Because parents don't come out of the divorce equally. Quite often parents have agreed that one stay at home and raise the kids, sacrificing career and earning potential. Should that parent then be expected to put the kids in daycare and scrape by in a low paid job (because they have no recent experience) while the parent who had the opportunity to advance their career gets to continue on as normal, in fact better than normal because they now only have to pay half the kid's expenses? And if the kids scrape by at one parents and live easily at the others you don't think that is going to cause issues in itself?

    50/50 split on expenses would only work when both parties have had similar opportunities during the relationship, where 'primary carer' and 'breadwinner' positions have been shared. And determining a set cost to raise a child? People manage it on nothing but centrelink payments so is that going to be the standard?