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A Letter to my First Born


Renee when you were born I was overwhelmed with feelings of love. Child birth was such an empowering experience and now I had become a mother to this beautiful little girl. You were perfect. Perfect little fingers and toes and the already the strength of your soul was evident.

 

I was naive in thinking that if I had a child then all my relationship issues would disappear. I am sorry for that, but the best thing that came out of that relationship was you. I left that relationship when you were only about 18months old. 

 

Renee I used to call you my ‘shadow’. You went everywhere with me. We were glued at the hip. You would come to training's with me, to physio appointments, games, shopping, absolutely everywhere. I didn’t have a choice. You went on your first overseas trip when you had just turned one. We traveled to Canada to compete in the World Championship. After that it was one trip after another and you had more stamps in your passport than most adults. And you become this very adaptable child. The girls in the team loved having you around. I think at times it was good therapy as it distracted us from the pressures of competition.

 

We were inseparable. You became extremely protective of me and made dating very difficult. When I met my other kids Dad it took some time for you to feel comfortable with the relationship, and even then I’m not sure you ever really settled. I am sorry that you never had a strong connection with your step Dad. It was nothing to do with you, it’s just he didn’t know how to be that Dad that you needed. When I fell pregnant with Buran I remember your joy. You were so happy that you were going to be a big sister.

 

When Buran was born you were absolutely besotted with him and developed such a close bond with him. It was love at first sight. As you grew you became such a strong support for me, helping out with chores and looking after your brother. You were forever entertaining him and helping care for him. Reading books, playing in the yard and you two even shared a bed from time to time. Still to this day Buran looks to you for a lot of emotional support. You calm him and reassure him in a way that I cannot. It’s a beautiful thing, a connection that only a sister and a brother can have.

 

Not long after Buran's first birthday I found out that I was pregnant again. And in September 2011 we welcomed little Gira into the world and you became big sister for the second time. As time went on and yet another failed relationship. I remember the day I broke the news to you. I was surprised at how well you took it.

 

The year we moved was the year that you started high school. I was worried about your transition to High School and now on top of that we had a family break up to deal with. As a matter of fact Renee’s your first year of High School was academically better than any of your primary school years. You really blossomed at High School. The independent style of learning really suited you, and all the extra curricula activities that High School offered.

 

Working shift work hasn’t been easy and when we moved out on our own I knew that would mean you would have to step it up as the eldest to help me out so our family could function. I physically and emotionally I couldn’t do it on my own. But it’s almost as if you knew.

 

You just knew. I didn’t have to say much. You knew when I was tired, you knew when I needed help, and you knew when I needed a hug or someone to make me laugh.

 

So life was always a little hectic. When I worked night shifts you would spend the nights with your Dad. And I knew that must not have been overly comfortable for you, as you never had your own room there. So coming and going between houses, juggling school work and your extra curricula activities life was crazy for such a young person. Your tenacious disposition meant that you seemed to adjust quite easily between the houses. You never complained, you just got on with it. But you’ve always been organised. From an early age I have fond memories of all the lists you used to write. LOL

 

And you never complained…

 

You reveled in school, achieving great academic results whilst you were so heavily invested in other school activities. Then you scored you first job, working part-time at Cold Rock. Juggling schooling and part-time work and sporting commitments. But with that came new found independence and you were able to save some money for your first car.

 

In Year 12 you obtained your licence and purchased your first car. I was successful in landing a new job, but the down side to that was that I started at 5am in the morning.

 

Buran and Gira were taught how to get up, prepare themselves some breakfast, and get ready for school as on my day shifts you would have to drop them to school for me. They had to learn to manage their own time and responsible for themselves and being ready on time. I’ve never had any problem in teaching any of my kids to be independent from a young age. You would cook meals, clean the house for me, look after them at times so I could go out. And on the holidays you would take them to movies, take them shopping and spoil them.

 

And you never complained…

 

You always made me feel special on my birthday, mother’s day and Christmas. Spoiling me with love and gifts.

 

Renee, you had to grow up very fast. You are mature beyond your years.

 

And you never complained…

 

At times I have felt guilty for all that you’ve had to do but then I think it has really instilled some important values in you. Values of selflessness, family, respect, unconditional love and responsibility. And I think you are a better person for it.

  

Renee you are my angel, my rock and your support for me has never wavered. I am so proud of you in ways I don’t think you will ever fully understand. And whilst I’ve thought at times that this is not the life that I wanted for you, looking at you now I think it is exactly the life I wanted for you. You are all that I had hoped for. You are a beautiful, loving, compassionate, resilient, loyal, responsible, fun, strong, selfless young lady xxxxx

 

 

 

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Comments: 1
  • #1

    Wayne (Wednesday, 21 August 2019 01:56)

    That’s a beautifully insightful letter, you’ve both faced challenges and came out on top. Thank you for sharing, it’s made me a better person ❤️ for reading it.